"Trust"

We all have it...at least...we did have it before something happened to take it away. We all gave it away...at least until someone gave us a reason to stop. Its something we all want, and yet many times, something we hold onto so tightly with no willingness to share it with others.

Trust**

It's something that doesn't only say, "Go ahead, and if you mess up, I'll be here to catch you," but it also says, "Hey, I'm in it with you, let's do this together." It says, "I can't see you, but I don't question you." It says those things that doubtful people can't say. It speaks the impossible thoughts into possible actions, making it one of lifes most invaluable gifts...only...to many of us...we don't want to see it as a gift...it's a credit card.

What?

Yeah...it's there at your side, and you have two types of people: the big spenders, and the tightwads. There are those who hold onto trust, and only pull it out in extreme emergencies...when there's no one else around and you really have no other option but to depend on someone else, and trust them, even if you don't want to...like paying an emergency medical bill with your credit card: undesirable, and out of obligation. There's those that trust everything they read and everything they see. Someone sees sales-galore at the mall, they see things desirable to their eyes, they here things that sound pleasing for them, they let the smooth-talkers talk them into getting their "products that you just can't live without"...even though you managed to live without it all your life. And after you purchase it all, you come to realize now you're in debt, and you'll never really be able to appreciate what you have, because now you're worried about what you got yourself into.

Ah...but I miss counted...there's a 3rd spender...the money manager. The one that does his research and makes wise decision. The one that thinks and says..."buy one get one free...nice!, but...I don't really even have use for the first one, it's not worth it to me." The one that says...it's an investment that will take time and patience...but it will be worth it...
It's the person that learns to trust in what's right; not necessarily making stupid risks, but stepping out of the comfort zone and getting to know someone new, and investing time in their life to, later in the future, produce something of greatness out of something that was unnoticable. It's something that's not easy, but it's something that's extremely necessary.

**Trust**

I'm writing this blog for two reasons...reflecting on what God has done for me, and for what I know he will do for me...:
Walking a very broken and shattered road in life, I've come to a point where I have nothing else but to trust in God. Trust is not easy. Sometimes I stand before God and ask, "Why am I doing this Lord?" "Why am I here?" "What's my purpose?" "Why of all people, am I the one who is going through this?" And time and time again I get the answer, "Just trust me, you'll see." Again Trust is not easy...you then want to say, "When am I going to see?" "When will this be over?" "Can't you just tell me?" "How long do I have to wait?" And again you come to a point where there's nothing to do but trust him. And always...ALWAYS...God has shown his mercy and grace when I said, "Ok Lord, Your will, not mine."

1) about 3 years ago there was the possibility I'd lose my mom in child birth. She'd go through a process of child birth (cesection? I know I didn't spell it right...w/e)...and not only was it her...but the possibility of losing the baby (abigail). Though this process is normal, given under certain circumstances...it was a little different for her. Though prayer and a work of God, both came through ok.

2) Within 6 months of Abigail's birth, Hannah, another sister of mine, was sent to Duke University for a tough surgery that...in the words of the doctors...there was little to no chance of her making it through. It required extensive heart surgury, and she was only about 4 years of age. She made it through.

3) withing a short time after that, the doctors diagnosed Abigail with Kowisoky disease (A meningitis bacteria in the spine this fatal). They said if she didn't have surgury, she'd die. If she did have surgury, the medications may be rejected by her body, cause a cesure, and die. Not the most encouraging words from a doctor. With prayer, we went through the process, she's perfectly fine right now.

4) With my dad stationed in Iraq, I took the place as the father figure, taking care of the kids, and several times, staying up late nights rocking abby to sleep and struggling to get by in my senior year of high school. I hadn't filled out any scholarships or even applied to schools, let alone take the SAT. I took the SAT and got a fairly low score (about 1080), and was number 56 out of 379? students in my graduating class. I didn't really have anything going for me, but I was told about Teaching Fellows, applied, and got the scholarship. By the way, the letter I recieved in the mail stated that the average recipient scored about 1300 on the SAT, and was usually in the top 10% of their graduating class. You do the math.

5) struggling to get by in school, I was in AP physics. I had 0 trig. background, let alone regular physics. It was a year long course, and i decided to drop it half way, because I was struggling at home and with other things. They said if I dropped it now, I'd have to take the State Exam, and I'd probably fail it, since I had only gotten halfway through the course (not even half way). I said, "ok, whatever happens, happens..." putting my trust in God, took the exam, and placed a state level 4 on the exam (and by the way, it doesn't get higher than a level 4).

6) I've never had a job, and never truly had a means of making any income, but somehow, whenever I needed it, God provided me with what I needed. Sometimes through mom and dad, random places, a small job that happened to be available to me for that one time at the right time, a refund check...or of all places...UNC-P's financial aid office. What? apparently I owed them 307 dollars due to a refund check error. I talked to them, they looked at my records, then the lady at the office said, "ok, you're balance is $0.00, you don't owe us anything." With a look in my eye, after having prayed the night before for a way out and to provide for my need, God stepped in, and the money I owed was cleared out.

7) struggling with classes, I was forced to take summer school...7 credit hours...and that's not cheap...just happened that out of no where my Grandparents send a check in the mail for $1,000 with a note saying, use it for college if you need it. God has a sense of timing.

8) Always having a desire to touch lives and to bless people, God continues to somehow find a way to use someone as screwed up as me...to touch lives with the talent he blessed me with in playing the violin...and in turn, it always blesses me.

9) growing up with really no friends and a lonely life, God blessed me with some of the most awesome friends ever. I have fun with them, talk with them, and enjoy every moment with them. One has had a great influence in my life, blessing me in many ways; another has allowed me to emote my sense of just simply being crazy and having fun...and I couldn't ask for better friends from God.

10) Struggling with many things and being angry at other things...I went to Louisiana on a mission trip...and within a couple of days, God blessed me and provided me with everything I needed, and once again, showed his loving nature that says, "Trust me, I'm always with you."

11) Having always had the desire to lead praise and worship music at a church or youth group, God blessed me as band leader at our BSU and blessed me with an awesome praise team.

12) having always had the desire to be a youth pastor, he is now blessing me with a summer opportunity to do just that, where I can interact with other youth, and share my testimony as I've always wanted to do.

13) When struggling with my major as a math major, God opened my eyes with several things, and allowed me to transition to a music major, and do the things he meant for me to do in the first place, and that's to do his will.

That's only a small list...and he continues to bless me and fulfill my needs as I trust him. Again, it's never easy. I now have other things to worry about...friends for one...school things and obligations...summer...family...and a couple of other things pressed on my mind...but I went to my quiet place, placed my fears and worries at the feet of the Lord and said, "I trust you Lord, to bring me through this. Not my will, but you will, and I'll do whatever it takes."

And I mean it.